Leading with Emotional Intelligence Starts with Self-Awareness

It happens all the time across workplaces in different fields; a team member shares they’re feeling overwhelmed, and the manager immediately jumps into solution mode, offering to restructure tasks, adjust deadlines, even bring in extra help. It’s thoughtful, but something feels off. The employee thanks them, but the tension remains. The manager meant to be empathetic, but didn’t pause to ask what kind of support was actually needed.

It’s a classic case of good intention, poor execution. Maybe the employee just wanted to vent for five minutes. Maybe they needed validation that the workload really was unreasonable. Or maybe they had a personal situation affecting their focus and work restructuring wouldn’t help at all. In situations like this, we can get caught up thinking we’re being emotionally intelligent, but we’re operating from our own assumptions rather than true awareness, both of ourselves and others.

Emotional intelligence gets thrown around a lot these days, but what does it actually mean? The classic definition includes self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. All five parts are important, but self-awareness is really at the heart of it all, without knowing yourself, it’s pretty tough to develop or use the other skills well.

When we skip the self-awareness part, our attempts at empathy can come across as performative, tone-deaf, or worse, completely missing the mark. We might think we’re reading the room, but we’re actually just projecting our own experiences onto the situation. In leadership, whether you’re managing a team, teaching a class, or simply being someone others turn to for guidance, emotional intelligence is what builds trust and makes people feel genuinely seen and heard. But you can’t effectively tune into others if you don’t first understand your own emotional patterns, triggers, and default responses.

This is where our Personality Dimensions become both an asset and a potential blind spot. Each of us has a default mode for how we think we’re being helpful or empathetic, but without self-awareness, we might be completely off base.

Inquiring Greens, for example, have natural observational skills and analytical thinking that often leads them to offer thoughtful solutions or ask probing questions to better understand the situation. But sometimes, in their genuine desire to help solve the problem, they might focus so intently on the solution that they miss what the person needs in the moment.

Authentic Blues typically tune into emotions naturally and look for deeper meaning and connections. They are good at sensing when someone is struggling and genuinely want to help. But sometimes they get so caught up in looking at the big picture, that they might project their own feelings onto the situation or miss what the person actually needs in the moment.

Organized Golds often lead with their natural preference for structure and clear processes, which can be incredibly grounding for others. But when they’re operating on autopilot, they might jump to organizing and planning solutions when someone actually needs space to process their feelings and feel heard first.

Resourceful Oranges are naturally adaptive and action-oriented, which makes them great in crisis situations. But they might default to quick fixes or “let’s just move on” energy when someone actually needs time to sit with their emotions and feel heard.

Every personality regardless of their plaid has the capacity for empathy and emotional intelligence. But self-awareness helps us recognize when we’re leaning too hard into our default mode and missing what’s actually needed in the moment. What I can’t stress enough is that knowing your personality isn’t the same as being self-aware. Saying “Well, I’m just an Inquiring Green, so of course I want to fix things” isn’t self-awareness, it’s just using personality as an excuse to stay in your comfort zone. Real self-awareness requires ongoing reflection and honest feedback. It means asking yourself questions like: What’s my go-to reaction when someone is upset? Do I try to fix it, feel it, avoid it, or structure it into manageable pieces? How do I typically respond under pressure? Do I actually ask people how I’m coming across, or do I just assume I know?

Try this mini-experiment: Next time you’re in a conversation where someone seems stressed or emotional, pause and notice your instinct. Are you trying to steer the conversation somewhere more comfortable for you? Solve the problem immediately? Soothe their feelings? Or maybe wrap things up as quickly as possible? That immediate reaction is a great clue into your starting point, and once you know your pattern, you can choose whether to lean into it or call on different parts of your plaid.

Building self-awareness isn’t about changing who you are or pretending to be someone else. It’s about using your natural strengths more intentionally and recognizing when a situation calls for you to stretch beyond your default mode. Sometimes, the most empathetic thing an Inquiring Green can do is resist the urge to problem-solve and simply listen. An Authentic Blue may need to step back from emotional intensity to offer a clearer perspective. An Organized Gold might have to put aside the action plan and sit with uncertainty. A Resourceful Orange may need to slow down and create space for reflection rather than rushing to the next thing.

Whether you’re leading a team, managing a classroom, volunteering in your community, or simply being someone others rely on for support, remember, the most effective leaders don’t just manage tasks, they lead people. That begins with understanding and managing yourself. True leadership isn’t about performing empathy; it’s about showing up authentically and responding to what others genuinely need.